Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Growing Pains

One of my pet peeves when I was single was when married acquaintances looked at me, rolled their eyes and said "you know, marriage isn't a bed of roses, it isn't a cakewalk! It's hard! You're not going to have all of your problems solved by getting married. " Of COURSE I knew that! I resented their patronizing tone, their assumption of idiocy and naivete on my part...everything about their attitude irked me. I also resented that they often assumed that I at 23 was as carefree and naive as they were whenever they were single.  "Oh I remember when I was single all I did was eat out with my friends and go shopping". Fantastic- for the entire 6 months you were  "single" you had fun. It was also fun for me for those first 6 months. 6 months in limbo is fun- until everyone moves on and you're stuck bent over backwards under that limbo stick. What people who marry early fail to realize is that most singles don't want a "Platinum Wedding" or a fantasy marriage. They want to work on the "happy hard work" of marriage. They want to come home to a spouse- and share their life with someone. They want to have a husband to argue and make up with.They want to wake up in the middle of the  night for a baby. Sure, it's difficult but B"H it's a healthy difficult. It's growing pains. Since I got married I've grown so much, and learned so much about myself. Marriage and babies can sometimes be very painful- but it's growing pains. As opposed to the gnawing, seemingly endless pain of waiting- either to get married or have children.  No, it isn't a cakewalk. Yes it is very challenging. But I wouldn't have it any other way.


  1. Well put! When I visualize marriage I see myself making supper, and my husband trying not to complain about it. I see myself waking up for a baby to the point I forget my own name for a year.

    If I do visualize a wedding, I don't equate it with marriage, and it is the marriage I hunger for. The limbo, while being free of responsibility, gets tedious, and that is what it is: a limbo, nisht a heir nisht a heen.

    Best wishes for getting the baby to sleep through the night!

  2. thank u! i'm barely coherent now...so i appreciate the bracha...may you experience this joyful exhaustion soon!

  3. 23? try 28. and i'd dealt with the limbo and carved a life for myself, only to have it uprooted completely when a husband showed up. yes, it's exactly what i always wanted, and it's still relatively new and a lot to get used to, but sometimes i remember back to how comfortable and predictable single life was. though i don't want to go back to doing 100% of the housework. that's one reason it's good to move out of the parents' before marriage- i definitely do appreciate shared responsibility. what i do tell my single friends (most of whom are around 30 and unhopeful) is that marriage isn't a panacea- it's higher highs, lower lows, and different reasons to daven.