At Home Workouts

Who has the motivation to work out consistently at home? Not me. Although I do find the array of at home workout videos both fascinating and hilarious. Fascinating in the sense that you suddenly realize you’re now a member of the suburban “mom” demographic targeted by late night infomercials-  It’s fascinating in the sense that what you used to roll your eyes and change the channel at, you now seek out on the internet. “slimmer buns and thighs?” “abs of steel?” oooooh sign me up! Your single self would laugh heartily at claims like “who needs a gym! Have the body you’ve always dreamed of with only a floor and some spandex!” Old me would’ve said “Uh huh- who falls for this garbage!? Hit the gym! Take a run! Some crunches on the floor in some spandex aint gonna get rid of THAT flab!!” But now that I’m a “suburban mom” I realize these ads aren’t kitschy or ridiculous- they are just aired for a specific demographic. They play on the hopes and vulnerabilities of the “stay-at-home” set.  When you realize that bouncing a stroller down 3 flights of stairs doesn’t count as a workout, your’e saved by the precious info-mercial on youtube. Wow! I can somehow become slimmer and healthier without leaving home!  Floor? Check! Spandex?(embarrassingly)  Check! Whoo hoo! I will now be a slimmer, hotter me!!!

                I find the workout videos hilarious because they almost always take themselves a little too seriously and are so silly to look at! I’m convinced that half of the workout benefits come from the side-splitting laughter these videos induce. It isn’t unusual for my husband to come home and find me convulsing with laughter as I attempt to “shake my booty shake shake” in time to the music. I indeed appear to be having some sort of involuntary spasm as I laugh and try to be coordinated at the same time. At first he was alarmed. Now he shrugs it off. “women”. He thinks. You also can’t help laughing at a very effeminate Brazilian man, oiled from head to toe, lit by glaring fluorescent lights, shaking his tuchus for all its worth, to some cheesy imitation pop music, while a bunch of plastic surgery dolls dance woodenly behind him in neon spandex. I crack up just thinking about it! At least the dance themed exercise videos slate themselves as “fun” and “a party”, so they do hint at a little bit of self awareness about their silliness.  But the more fitness oriented videos? THOSE really get me going. Pilates-meets boxing meets tai chi meets ballet! All at home with no equipment! Nobody smiles. Nobody shakes their booties (intentionally anyways) this is serious business. You think you look like Mohamed Ali with a touch of Balanchine. What you really look like is a drunk and delusional 4 year old fighting off imaginary villains. In spandex. I haven’t seen results from these videos- mainly because they’re really just my daily dose of comic relief. I’ve seen most of the “episodes” already- so the “jokes” aren’t funny to me anymore. How many times can I laugh at Pele dance “hip hop”? Or Allison punching the air like she’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer on steroids? The novelty has worn off. The time has come to (really) get serious. I’m off to join the gym next week! Wish me luck!

Having it all- the injustice we've put on ourselves

The lie of having it all is the greatest crime of inequality committed against women- and ironically by women in the last 50 years. It has been nearly 50 years since Betty Freidan’s  The Feminine Mystique  was published- and there are still plenty of glass ceilings that need some shattering. Women still  don’t earn equal pay for equal work. Women make up a little over half of the population. Women hold 90, or 16.8%, of the 535 seats in the 112th US Congress.  Although it is hailed as a monumental number- there are only (yes only) 18 women at the helm of Fortune 500 companies. These injustices can rile any thinking woman. It has been 50 years after all- but the greatest injustice against women, we foisted on ourselves by trying to be what is humanly impossible. Feminism touted the glory of “having it all”, of not sacrificing your womanhood to your career. In the feminist’s ideal world- a woman can have it all. I’ve always considered myself a neo-feminist. I believe women can do everything men can. (and they do. every day. ) But in my limited experience I do not believe that any woman can truly  have it all. Any endeavor of worth requires time, energy and a single minded devotion.  There are only so many hours in the day.  According to a recent NY times article, (http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/30/opinion/sunday/the-myth-of-male-decline.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0) working mothers are less likely to be hired because of the simple fact that compared to single women, they have so much less time and energy to devote to their jobs. An unmarried woman will never have to cut out of work early for a bout of her child’s chicken pox.  Work takes priority in her life and that makes her an attractive prospective employee.

  Motherhood requires an endless amount of time, energy and single minded devotion. It does distract a woman while she’s at work. A truly devoted, ambitious employee cannot be a truly devoted mother.  An employee who stays overtime,  who brainstorms solutions on the weekend, who rises early and with energy to devote to her job, who volunteers for extra projects, who spearheads committees, who brings in new clients and spends hours on her meticulous, professional reports and memos has no energy for story time when she (finally) returns home.  The opposite is true- a truly devoted mother, one who takes her kids on chol hamoed trips, is home at four to do homework, serves dinner, reads stories  bathes and tucks into bed, a mother who is present to wipe tears and tushies (MOMMY!!!! CAN YOU WIPE ME??) and build lego castles does not have the energy to attend meetings and spearhead committees all day long. She cannot assume both roles. No human being can. It is not physically possible. And it’s so grossly unfair that it is even remotely expected of women.  A woman may be able to have a serious career after her children are grown (a ‘la Hillary Clinton) or if she has a husband/partner who is willing to assume to role of primary caregiver. I commend any individual who assumes the mantle of parenthood in the full sense- kudos to all dads out there wiping tears and tushies.  A woman may be an awesome mom but then she’s most probably a lackluster employee. An incredible employee is most probably a sub-par mom. I do believe mothers can work (and I do!) but I don’t think that women can attain high positions in the business world without sacrificing the quality of their parenting.  In my opinion- Marissa Mayer CEO of Yahoo- did all women a disservice by publicly forfeiting her maternity leave.  She is denying the needs of her body and her child to make a statement of “I can have it all!”  Working mothers are already held to ridiculous standards in this country (see Sweden for how it should be done!) and Mayer does us no favors with her  statements of sacrifice. Equality will come when all human beings (men and women) are expected to choose either the role of caregiver or provider- and then devote everything they have to the role they choose. 

Awkward Moments

For those of you who work/attend school in a secular environment- do you ever get into those awkward situations? The following quotes are not verbatim- but are pretty darn close!

Enjoy! (I sure did....once I got home!)

Co-Worker: "I once babysat in an Orthodox home! They had TWO freezers how wierd is THAT!? But wait it gets wierder!!! They had TWO SETS OF DISHES TOO!!!"

Co-Worker: You're hair got SO PRETTY from being pregnant! It's so nice and thick!!

Me: It's a wig

Co-Worker's jaw hangs open for sixty whole seconds

Secretary to me, as I'm walking in the door  in a hat on a winter day- shaitel was in bad need of washing:

8:20 am

Secretary: I loooooove you're hat!

Co-Worker: Me tooooooo!

12:00 pm

Secretary: You're still in that hat! It's soooo cute!

3:20 pm

Secretary: Wow you're still wearing your hat. Is the heat working in your room?

mental note to self: contrary to popular belief- in the outside world people do NOT wear winter hats indoors. please refrain from using them to cover an oily wig.

Conservative Jewish - "So, do you really do that whole no sex during your period thing? Do you REALLY go to a public pool and dip naked?"

Parent: We brought your baby a gift

Awwwwwwwwwwwwww! A baby's first christmas onesie- complete with a little image of santa!!!!

In all seriosness folks... I work in a great school where i have been welcomed and treated like family.......here are some examples:

Secretary: We're throwing a luncheon in honor of your baby!

Teacher: We all chipped in for a gift card for you to Target!

Co-worker: I had post partum depression. I see there's a light in your eyes when you talk anout your baby. I'm going to keep my eye ob you to make sure that light doesn't go out.

Nurse: Please come to the nurse's office whenever you need to pump. I'll clean the back room out for you so its ready!

Teacher: I sewed you receiving blankets and matching burp cloths. The hospital ones are always too small!

Co-Worker- Please swing by my office if you need any help adjusting- I know you're new here!

Co-Worker- Mrs. Dreamer! Please come in here- I want to show you something! What colors and what patterns would you like? I'm going to crochet your baby a blanket! (for the record, Catherine's Wheels- and pink and cream)

On a daily basis they say hello, smile- ask about my well being and the well being of my family, include me in  conversations, wave me over to join their table at after-school meetings, ask to see pictures of my baby, offer me help with computer glitches and just treat me like a mentch. So- it's awkard sometimes- but it's also great.

For my dear:

I'm so lucky to have found you

and to be with you each day

lucky we always find a way

to make it work

lucky we make it-

we always do

so so lucky to have you

you're smile,

you're laugh

they say bread is the staff

of life

you're mine

my pillar, my strength- my rock

you'll cook for me- ad hoc

make me smile when I wanna cry

you're wonderful- I wont lie

so here is a PDA here on my blog

(i'll lose all my other readers before long!)

if i keep up with this mushy stuff

know though that when times are rough

you've had enough

when life calls your bluff

just call my name

I'll be there for you

i'll be a dear for you

because you're a dear to me.

cold

sadly i think that i've been bested
by my nose which is congested
though its not my first time tested
by a cold sprung suddenly
miserably
upon me
it's always worse while its occuring
in my ears a painful whirring
when i'm outside i am brrrrrr-ing
and that cold
 only makes the cold
even worse
i brandish my purse
to ward off the cold
like some voodoo curse
wish i could stay at home and nurse
a cup of tea
and also me
back to health
but high ho high ho
whether i want to or not
workbound i go
and this cold makes me hot
one truth about colds (the runny kind)
that makes it hard to see the sunny side
is that they make you sick enough
so you feel ick enough
to stick a tissue up your nose
and leav it there
and not care
sick enough to remember your sinuses are there
to not care about your makeup or hair
to have a dry patch of skin between your nose and lips
and have germ vovered fingertips
sick enough to feel quite miserably ill
but although it is not your will
you're just not sick enough to stay home and chill
so i've come to the coclusions
that colds are pretty darn cold!
sick enough to feel awfuuly bad
nut not sick enough to hibernate in bed
how sad!

Growing Pains

One of my pet peeves when I was single was when married acquaintances looked at me, rolled their eyes and said "you know, marriage isn't a bed of roses, it isn't a cakewalk! It's hard! You're not going to have all of your problems solved by getting married. " Of COURSE I knew that! I resented their patronizing tone, their assumption of idiocy and naivete on my part...everything about their attitude irked me. I also resented that they often assumed that I at 23 was as carefree and naive as they were whenever they were single.  "Oh I remember when I was single all I did was eat out with my friends and go shopping". Fantastic- for the entire 6 months you were  "single" you had fun. It was also fun for me for those first 6 months. 6 months in limbo is fun- until everyone moves on and you're stuck bent over backwards under that limbo stick. What people who marry early fail to realize is that most singles don't want a "Platinum Wedding" or a fantasy marriage. They want to work on the "happy hard work" of marriage. They want to come home to a spouse- and share their life with someone. They want to have a husband to argue and make up with.They want to wake up in the middle of the  night for a baby. Sure, it's difficult but B"H it's a healthy difficult. It's growing pains. Since I got married I've grown so much, and learned so much about myself. Marriage and babies can sometimes be very painful- but it's growing pains. As opposed to the gnawing, seemingly endless pain of waiting- either to get married or have children.  No, it isn't a cakewalk. Yes it is very challenging. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Mommy?

I'm still in awe of this miracle
in shock at the principle
that I've become Mommy
to this one small soul
and I'm suddenly responsible
for her health
her care
the wear and tear
that falls upon her spirit here
on Earth
and it scares me, and it drives me
to try harder each day
to find a better way
and then when I can't
accept that I am
the best Mommy I could possibly be.